insect.

here
in shadows
against walls
just pretend
erase it all
careful now
play on words
two time
same blood

there
in sunlight
over the table
no one matters
keep it all
true freedom
honesty
that dreaded word
won’t haunt me.

new year, no change.

i think years from now
i’ll know your name
my heart’s lullaby

the sea, the air…

bonz.

and i remember actually thinking to myself,

maybe if she can’t appreciate the hard work i put into everything else,
at least she’ll see how much work it takes
to make all my bones show through my skin.

but what’s the use in that, you know?

i’ll never be your favourite.

my ribs will show but it’ll be for me, not you.

the beauty or the beast.

why can’t we just be healthy, you and i? all i ever wanted was for us to function. why do you hurt everyone who loves you?

i did everything for you. i did things i never should’ve done. i turned my back against someone for you. i was your right hand man. loyal servant. i’d tell you everything at the expense of everything else. i put on masks. i was there when you couldn’t be. i put out fires and made parents smile. i said only the best of things. i stayed by through the darkness when she didn’t; when she was so eager to walk away and turn on everything you had done for her; when she said all those horrible things about you. all those years with you, who in the end stands next to you now? her or me?

she left, with her attitude and hurtful words behind your back. and then you took her back like nothing happened… as if she had never left in the first place.

and i saw you two together and a part of me died. i was asked if i wanted to go in and see you but i said no, because i probably would’ve lost control. because i tried so hard to be yours and i still do, but i’m still not even close. i was fooled by your words. i thought that maybe you loved me for a moment but now i see, that’s not true. you’d rather have someone who is so insecure they would stay because they can’t walk on their own two feet, than someone who has dreams and ambitions in life.

i was told, “you need to stop trying, because you will never be her favourite. it’s hurtful and confusing when people do that… but that’s just how it is sometimes, and there’s nothing you can do. you just won’t be.” and i was told right. you will never understand me. you don’t know what it’s like to want something this bad. to lust for something so badly that you’d sacrifice everything you have to get there, even though getting there doesn’t necessarily mean fame or fortune. it’s sacrificing everything for a dream.

and even though it makes me upset and angry that you don’t bother trying to care or understand, that’s okay. i didn’t understand what that feeling was either… until  i realized trying to be yours was hopeless, and on the other hand, my future is filled with hope.

am i still loyal? your right hand man? the mask wearing girl who always has different intentions? i don’t know just yet. there’s so much damage there and everyone feels it right now. because you didn’t just turn me away, you turned others away too. so i ask you again, why do you hurt everyone who loves you?

a short exchange by the balcony.

palace
moonlight
shining on the inside

hands rest
reach out
pull back, cause i’m too shy

she smiles
beauty
standing right before me

touch me
again
i crave the memory

all i
want is
to say she’s really mine

but she
only wants
wine.

your real face.

i disguise you as a man
say i don’t have the time
i say you come second
so no one asks questions
i say ballet matters more
but in my heart i know
in the end dance for you
cause that stage only lasts
as long as i still breathe
and i can’t breathe when i know
you look at him now.

i thought i was yours
but everything fades
don’t need you now, i want you
don’t need you to hold me
but why won’t you?
i’m grown up now, wild
bones showing through
transparent as i am
or did you prefer me before,
when i was a small broken child with nothing
but a heartbeat in your hands.

because we’ll be friends forever… won’t we?

i never thought you and i would be here today, the way we are.

at first i thought we would one day be together. together together, girlfriend and girlfriend. i really thought so. there was so much there that i felt like i couldn’t deny, and i thought maybe you couldn’t deny it either. but somehow it happened… you ignored it, and i was forced to try and ignore it too.

who i was, who i am.

i thought you were mine,
but i guess i was wrong.

no matter,
i don’t have the time anymore.

my sweet ju.

julie,

i am so sorry for what’s happened. i can’t even imagine what you’re going through.

you’ve been so wonderful to me these past couple of years. you’re always there to talk things out, always supportive of my dancing, and you always seem to understand just what i mean. sometimes when i’m thinking about you, the only thing on my mind is how unforgettable you are.

modern class with you is like taking a breath. if all my other classes are becoming stressful, i know i can come to modern and work everything out through a new combo, or even just talking! cause i know if i was worried about something i could talk to you. i know you’d be there for me, always.

when sheila told me what happened, i was so sad, because i knew you didn’t deserve this at all. you’re so amazing, julie… and i wanted so bad to call you and make sure you were okay, but i knew i had to give you time alone, and that i couldn’t bother you right then. i love you so much julie, and i want to be there for you, just like how you’re always there for me. so if there’s any way i can help you out now, please don’t hesitate to ask. i’m only a phonecall away.

nicole and i might see you on friday. i hope that’s okay.

i love you julie. stay strong, as you are.
kaela

<3

one day.

when you ask me what’s on my mind, i’ll say it’s you.

when you ask me if i want to talk, i’ll say yes, for forever.

when you ask me what i want to do, i’ll say i want to kiss you.

when you ask me what’s going on, i’ll say i’m in love with you.

one day i’ll say everything, one day i’ll be honest.

but until then, i’ll be quiet.

i’m getting braver every day.